Let x be any integer between 2 and y, such that y is itself any reasonable integer.
Alright, first post guys. It's the first draft and I'm going to finish the other parts before I come back to fix it. Feedback would really be appreciated!
Okay, so some questions to guide critiques, feel free to answer all, none, or any of them:
1. What themes, symbols, and characterization do you see, and what is your understanding of them?
2. What questions do you have about it, and what (if at all) are you confused about? Should I add anything to fix these?
3. Which parts or sentences do you think should be removed?
4. Do you feel like I'm hitting you over the head with a large stick trying to drive any points home?
5. Is it interesting?
6. What are your recommendations for editing the piece?
Link to Story
Thanks, friends! And something to get you interested in part 2: it's inspired by the old aphorism "when in doubt, write about 14th century plague doctors".
2<x<y<infinity (hopefully)
ReplyDeleteSo, how 'bout that Bruce Green guy, right?
Praise:
Your sentences are...tasty. The development of David as toxically nostalgic is both subtle and satisfying. Nothing was brash in terms of character development.
Things you might want to know: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fiberglass#Health_problems
1. I don't like to talk themes much until the work is finished, but right now I'm getting the idea that the David is living in the past. The sitcom is most probably a metaphor for David's life. I believe that David's inability to remember the name of his ringtone and doorbell thing represent that he is unable to actually continue living in the past.
2. The story line is lucid. Don't worry too much about it. The only thing is the last paragraph is paced quicker than the rest of it. BUT it didn't throw me off like at all, so I think you should keep it that way. Plus, it juxtaposes David's sloth (yes! I found a way to use that organically!) in the beginning.
3. NITPICKERY: a. "The landlord sees spiders climbing up the glass of the window and his affect flickers once more to the brow-furrow and bridge-wrinkle before he can amend his best Freudian's slip." Take out "the glass of" because it made me think of the drinking glass with the evaporated water at first.
b. There are a few problems with verb tense which aren't too glaring but still deserve to be addressed.
Por ejemplo: The window above the couch cast its light across parts of his face, leaving the left side fully illuminated and his nose's shadow hurtling into the darkness just outside the right cheekbone.
"Hey. You awake?" David almost nods but his chin sticks in the air a few inches above his chest.
It should be "nodded." I guess it sticks out to me because I'm a die-hard present-tenser who's trying to improve his past-tensery, so I've been trying to pay a lot of attention to tense lately. Again, these mistakes aren't glaring, but I think you'd appreciate knowing they exist.
4. The sticks with which you are concussing me are both appropriately delicate and exact.
5. Yes
Delete6. Tighten up the landlord's dialogue. E.g. let's look at this chunk.
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"Alright. Alright, good. Look, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Your place is a bit, well, messy. Violates the lease. But that's not, uh, not why I stopped by today. Your rent's three months late, David."
"Do you even get forgetful that is to say forget to say wipe after the toilet using or maybe leave the stove on because you're just are thinking about so much and it's so interesting and entertaining like you're making up whole stories and TV shows up in your head and you're really satisfied with it you can't think of anything else and get really forgetful?"
"This sort of thing is a bit more than forgetfulness, David. Three months is Ninety days. We tried to call you and mail you statements and warnings but you never told us you received them. I'm sorry, but this is a tad excessive. David, I'm going to have to ask you to move out."
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Ok so obviously David isn't being coherent and is just rambling on. Now, if we shorten some of the landlord's dialogue, that droning really really pops out at ya.
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"Alright. Alright, good. Look, your place is a bit, well, messy. Violates the lease. More importantly, your rent's three months late, David."
"Do you even get forgetful that is to say forget to say wipe after the toilet using or maybe leave the stove on because you're just are thinking about so much and it's so interesting and entertaining like you're making up whole stories and TV shows up in your head and you're really satisfied with it you can't think of anything else and get really forgetful?"
"Three months is Ninety days. You haven't answered our calls. I'm sorry, but this, um, disregard is a tad excessive. David, I'm going to have to ask you to move out."
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^THAT IS JUST A SUGGESTION
^^^This is after my first read-through. I may read it again some time tonight and add to this.
Stuff I typed up while reading:
ReplyDeleteI like the description of the sitcom, but I think that second sentence is too long for the very beginning of the piece. Also, I think “happy” and “bouncy” need to be replaced by more specific adjectives IF you want to keep this opening sentence. But I don’t know. As I keep rereading it I like it more and more. Still, the first time I read it, that second long sentence gave me this amateur feeling about the story.
BRUCE GREEN BRUCE GREEN BRUCE GREEN.
I like the combination of showing vs telling in the second paragraph: you show us that he’s pretty depressed and doesn’t like to do much by talking about his phone habits; then you finish up by saying “it’s been an awful day”, which we’d figured by then, but hey, it’s always nice to have your suspicions confirmed.
“an almost audible brow-furrow and bridge-wrinkle” – nice
“nose’s shadow hurtling into the darkness” – love it
I had to look up what malachite is. Now that I know what it is, I think it’s a really clever description.
“…the landlord whirled away with what could have been a dramatic flourish…” I would modify this sentence to follow it up with the phrase “if it weren’t for…” to finish the whole “with what could have been” idea.
Answers to your questions:
ReplyDelete1. This is probably not what you intended but… The fingernails in the glass (absolutely disgusting, by the way) could symbolize David’s loss of a grip on his world. As fingernails are picked away, so is the ability to hold onto things, impact things (ie “dig your nails into”) etc, and it also shows how perhaps David himself is the one causing this (but he also isn’t, because nail-biting is typically associated with anxiety, which typically has its root in some outside cause.
Characterization was great. Opening with the description of his ringtone, and then going into detail about the sitcom, was effective because it gave us the idea that David probably responds to his ringtone by thinking about that sitcom, etc. David seems like a guy who isn’t at all firmly rooted in reality but thinks he’s more firmly rooted in reality than anybody else. Sitcoms are technically realistic but not actually. David’s one of those people who thinks/wishes that his life was a sitcom. Also, the phone ringing and being unanswered is like the reality of David’s life, i.e. David’s relationship to the outside world, i.e. totally ignoring it.
I’m not sure what the climbing up onto the dryer into the attic and lying under a blanket of fiberglass is supposed to symbolize, unless it’s just like ascending into heaven or some other sort of afterlife. Or if he’s just escaping. As a reader, I’m not ready to make a definitive decision about this yet because I know there’s more to the story, and that’s fine.
2. I kept wondering about food. It seems like David has just been lying on his couch all day for 90 days. The human body can go two to three weeks without food, and less without water. David doesn’t seem to be in a state that supports remembering to eat or drink, plus his muscles are atrophied. You give us a little taste of the messy state of the apartment when the landlord trips over dishes…but what’s on the dishes? The molding remains of microwaved meals? Congealed ice cream? Hard as a tree trunk apple cores? Just slip in a bit of description or a phrase in the dialogue that gives us a hint as to his eating habits…and this can heap in some great characterization along the way.
I can’t tell if the lightbulb at the end is literal. Everything else has been (seemingly) literal up to this point, so it seems like it is. But then who turned it on? The cleaners? Are they in the apartment with him? The end just got confusing, because I felt like things were either completely literal or completely unreal or sopped with symbolism or everything all at once. (I don’t think I’ve ever actually used the word sopped before. Cool.) But I LIKED it. I liked the change of pace and the fact that David was actually doing something (well, sort of), and the weirdness with the attic and the fiberglass. It was unexpected and cool, and I’m really curious to see how you continue this.
3. I think the pacing of the story was fantastic, and all the dialogue moved the story along in a necessary and interesting manner. So there’s nothing glaring that needs to be removed in my opinion.
4. No, I really don’t.
5. Yep, especially David’s stuff about the mind being so interesting and whatnot. And his insistence that, despite all appearances, he isn’t depressed. I liked that twist. It was interesting to see a character who was totally wrapped up in his own world/own mind but was, according to himself, happyish with that.
6. Grammar things: You didn’t capitalize the first letter of a few sentences. E.g. “…down yet. when he opened his eyes…” and “…ringing phone. and he deserves his rest right now.”
Also, make sure your tense is consistent. It’s hard since you skip around a little in time. For example, “David doesn't pick up for the second time that day. It's just not a good return on investment, he rationalized rationalizes.”
14th century plague doctors! Cool! I'm excited!
The Princess here.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, who the heck is Bruce Green? Please forgive me lack of knowledge. I'm in the camp bubble.
Now, it's true David was pretty rambly. That caught me off guard. But it was cool, once I realized and acknowledged it.
I think maybe the narrative parts would be better shortened/less rambly, to draw more attention to David's rambliness. If that makes any sense.
Otherwise, I liked it, in the sense that I want to read more. I like the ending a lot. If you're going to continue it, please harp more on the son idea. Give me more details about who the kid is, even if it's just speculation, even if it's just from David's unknowing perspective. I need more background on David and his situation.
So yeah, more detail. Otherwise, pretty good. You gonna continue it?
Hope you enjoyed your ride on the feedback train. Come again soon.
Bruce Green is a character in Infinite Jest who lives in a trailer with his girlfriend and is (was, I suppose) addicted to drugs. So he's similar to the sitcom character mentioned in the beginning.
ReplyDelete