Charlie, or The World Is A Majestically Cruel Place
I got the idea after listening to this by David Foster Wallace
Also, I listened to To Be Kind by Swans a lot when I was writing this. You should check it out if you want. It's weird.
READ THE FOLLOWING AFTER YOU FINISH READING THE PIECE:
Feedback things:
1. Tonal issues. I wrote this over the course of several days, and I usually have trouble with keeping tone the same between writing sessions. Do this the tone seem, to you, to be pretty consistent throughout? Where does it lapse?
2. Image. This piece has a lot to do with what the character's are doing rather than where they are doing it. Do you feel this is a good choice? Or do you feel I should do a bit more world-building? Why? Do you have any suggestions for details to add?
3. What sentences stick out at ya?
4. What're you working on?
5. What's your favorite color? Mine's blue.
HERE COMES TO FEEDBACK TRAIN CHOO CHOO
ReplyDeleteOkay, so here's what I wrote while reading it. The order's slightly messed up chronologically, but the feedback train isn't very temporally stable anyway.
The parallel between Charlie's dad kissing his wife v. the alcohol is amazing.
Jesus Christ, Daniel. This is so incredibly sad. It's not tear-jerker sad, it's got kind of a removed quality, like you're looking at the sadness through a glass of something cloudy, but I think that makes it even more powerful. It's the sort of sad that makes you want to just kind of curl up into a ball and hurt for awhile.
"Hindsight finds a way" is another fantastic line.
You have a couple of sentences that really remind me of that DFW piece (both the indeed sentences). I don't feel as if they really work here, but for the first you could just take off the "indeed".
The beginning sort of reminds me of Gately's childhood with his mom.
In both this story and Internal Affairs, I've noticed, you've used the phrase "very very x". The classic rule is "show don't tell", and this is definitely telling. BUT, like I partly said above, your work is normally very emotional but there's a sort of removed quality about it. It's like a refined emotion, instead of raw. It's really tough to describe. Take this how you will, but I kind of like it. It's a nice mix of the general postmodern emotional sarcasm/irony and DFW-style New Sincerity. And so the point being I think the occasional tell of a big-deal emotion instead of showing it works towards building this style.
Hmm... the story was very good up until (and including) the end, but right now it doesn't feel finished. It rolls right up to the cliff edge of the last paragraph but then suddenly stops a few yards shy of falling off. It just seems like you could keep going and add something more to it, but I'm not sure what. Disregarding that, I enjoyed it! As much as you can enjoy a story as heartbreaking as this, of course.
1. The tone seemed to be fairly consistent, yeah. There weren't any bits that popped out at me (other than the "indeeds") that made me ask what the heck they were doing in there, so that's good. And sidenote: I generally read the story back through to get a feel for the tone and to jump right back into it. It usually helps. You might already do this, but I thought I'd put it here just in case.
Delete2. At this juncture I feel it's a good choice. There isn't all that much more about the location or physical situation that needs to be said, excepting that you could /possibly/ describe the house they live in or Charlie's father's job to give an idea of how his alcoholism affects their whole situation, or doesn't. Living in say the Hamptons would give the story a slightly different feel than also say Detroit, I think. But then it's your call, it's not necessary. As is the story is fine without the world-building.
3. Along with the above states sentences, your opening sentence really catches the eye (in a good way), as does the future-and-drenched-blood sentence. The last three sentences of the kitchen bickering paragraph are really great, particularly the last. The deformities in his soles double entendre is absolutely amazing. Did you do that on purpose, or was is one of those great accidents?
I love the two coming off the tongues sentences as well. They have a great contrast and just kind of seem true.
"Charlie’s father and Charlie’s mother were extremely similar in that their childhoods were both, externally and superficially, easy and blissful in the way that one would assume an American upper middle-classer’s life would be. Thus, the American Dream had always been perverse for the both of them." These two,sentences threw me off, however. You set the stage for Charlie's mother's childhood internal turmoil but outward okayness with the nostalgia bit, but Charlie's father's childhood seems difficult to the outside observer as well. I also sort of understand where you're going with the perverse line, but it might be a bit beter to clarify that. But that may also be solved with the Charlie's Father's childhood being ostensibly good problem.
4. Just the part 2 of x in the saga, but I'm afraid to admit that plague doctors didn't use the bird masks until the 1600s, so I have to amend the 14th century bit. Sorry to have mislead you guys. And you?
5. I don't really have one. If forced to choose, I'd say maybe a darker orange, the kind with little tinges of brown. I like earth tones too, especially olive. Blue's a nice color too, though.
Goo job on the story, too! I liked it
The Princess here.
ReplyDeleteSo I don't really know what to say about tone that would be constructive. I haven't formed an opinion about that yet. Therefore I shall move on to the rest of my feedback.
For image, I don't think it mattered so much that you didn't specify where. The whole thing pretty much happened in the house, and I think that's okay. That's good. If you're going to add details, talk about the house, but it's not so necessary in my opinion.
Other feedback from me:
Sometimes you use the word Charlie too much. It's okay to sometimes say "his father" or "his mother".
"Charlie's mother slept most soundly after she cried hardest, as if the stinging of her tears welded her eyelids shut." I love that sentence.
I think you switch a little to quickly to the mom's life. It's like, wait, is this about charlie, or the mom. Perhaps use her more as a window to understand Charlie better, instead of making her a whole new character.
Also, I like the diamonds metaphor. Like, I really like it a lot. What might make it better is being more vague about it. Meaning, not outright saying that it's glass. But that's just personal preference. Just a suggestion.
"She continued on a fall from grace drenched in disappointment and dissatisfaction." Love that sentence too.
I also love the last two sentences. Really. A lot.
3. What am I working on? I had a poem idea, but camp isn't conducive to writing, so I'll work on it more next week. Also something about a girl named Catherine I got an idea for. And the thing I wrote about Dr. Seuss in class I wanted to continue when I get the chance.
And my favorite color is maroon/burgundy. I don't do poppy colors.
Thanks!
DeleteAs strange as it sounds, I think I forgot I could use "his father" and "his mother", so thanks for pointing that out.
I get what you're saying about switching Charlie's mother. Looking back on it, I don't think I connected her to Charlie as well as I did for his father.
I was hoping you'd like the diamonds thing. I actually got the idea from a Panic! at the Disco song (Northern Downpour). "If all our life is but a dream // Fantastic posing greed // Then we should feed our jewelry to the sea // For diamonds do appear to be // Just like broken glass to me."
Thoughts while reading:
ReplyDeleteVeeerrrry compelling first sentence.
hideously → :)
“In the beginning…” paragraph: change unknowingly to ignorantly
“hindsight finds a way” → cool
OMG THE SYMBOLISM: “Even when covered with shoes and socks, Charlie still feels the deformities in his soles [/soul].”
“She rarely thought about the present much though because her natural reaction was to shut it out of her mind immediately just as when we discover we are bleeding our first instinct is to cover up the wound with something clean. And of course, she never thought about the future because who could be expected to think of anything beyond a few moments once they realize they are already drenched in blood?”
K, issues with these couple sentences: add commas into the first sentence. I, personally, don’t like the word “though” used in the middle of a sentence because it breaks the spell of reading for me somehow. It’s like “hey look at me I’m the writer of this story and I’m putting these words together, and I really need to punch this word in here so that you get that this is a ‘however’ kind of clause!” So yeah, I would change that. You could even break up the sentence into two. Also, the simile feels out of place. It makes sentence, and it’s a GOOD simile, but...I think it’s tonally off. Still, I really like it, and it’s so cool how you follow through with it, so try to keep it somehow... In the next sentence: “beyond a few moments [into the future]” or something like that.
“She spoke in the creaking voice of someone trying very hard to avoid tears” - love it
I just wanna say thank you for using “perpetually”, because it’s basically my favorite adverb. And I use it every chance I get.
“words like ‘pussy’ and ‘pansy’ are so quick to come [out] of…” you forgot the “out”
I loovee the last three sentences. Especially the last one. Poor Charlie :(.
Your questions!
ReplyDelete1. So you’ve got this mock formal tone going. It simultaneously feels like you’re telling us this story over coffee, and like we’re reading an academic essay about Charlie’s life. And the DFW influences are very clear (“but so”, “like”). I think you got a little more informal starting at “Rest assured, Charlie’s father never bought his own liquor”. The sentences got shorter and the tone was more conversational.
Okay, so this mock formal tone works. Kind of. Thing is, if I didn’t know you and didn’t already have faith in your writing abilities, I think I would have read a few paragraphs of this, and decided that there was potential in the story, but that the writer didn’t really know how to present it. It’s lots of telling, because you pretty much feed us Charlie’s family’s history, and Charlie’s father’s reasons for everything. Which was interesting! But, as a reader, I like to kind of walk down a hallway and see pictures along the way, and then find a room at the end of the hallway (and the story) and understand what all the pictures were about. Or I like to be on one of those lazy river things, kinda floating along, completely captivated, with a few chances to touch the side or the bottom. This kind of felt like...I was walking down a hallway, and there were TV screens popping out in front of me at each step I took, so that I had to watch them all the way through, and then I got to the end and the door was locked, but I could peek through the keyhole and see this story on the other side with stuff from the videos that I really wanted to see, but I couldn’t, because I didn’t have the key.
...Okay, I don’t know if that helped at all. Point is, reading this feels kind of like reading the outline for a story. Or, more precisely, like I’m reading one of those quick character backgrounds in Infinite Jest (like the story of Eric Clipperton or Bruce Green’s story); as that kind of thing, it would work fantastically. I’m not sure what your intention is for the piece; as a standalone story, I think you’d need to give us more concrete images and scenes to grab on to. I don’t know where I am in time at the moment of reading this, and that frustrates me. Why am I reading about Charlie? Why am I being told all of these things? I felt a little too removed. And you can work with it that way; you can keep the tone the same and keep us removed, but if you refine the style and the details a bit, we can feel unremoved, and then realized at the end that we were kind of removed. If that makes sense...
Oh, and another thing: I kind of think it would be better if you never explicitly mentioned until the end or the middle or something that his father drinks. Like, after we’ve already figured it out. ‘Cause I love the diamonds thing, it’s so cool and unique. It would make the voice seem like it’s coming from Charlie as a kid (obviously with the capacity to use good adverbs and write well-constructed sentences, but whatever). It would make us feel smart :D.
2. I guess I already said it, but yes, add more details. Just give me a place to put my feet down in that lazy river (preferably for the first time at the beginning - so where are we in Charlie’s life?). I think adding little tiny details throughout would be great. Like, the liquor store: is it rundown? what are the cashiers like (tall, greasy-haired, dreadlocked, pot-bellied)? Charlie’s mother’s peaceful suburban childhood: filled with bicycles or ice cream cones or neighborhood scooter gangs? Those are just random examples. Do that everywhere. And I’m talking very brief, like just add this stuff as another phrase or adjective.
3. See above.
ReplyDelete4. To be entirely honest, I’m working on being aggressively anxious about school starting. (Look! I used aggressively!) I’ve been free-writing regularly. And I wrote/edited a couple poems yesterday. Oh, I could post those. Also, there’s this other thing I’ve been writing a few paragraphs of every few days, but I’m not sure if it’s going anywhere. Should I share it with you guys just to see? Warning: I am so so so bad at finishing things.
Also, I will post the story I wrote for my other workshop after I do some edits. I want you guys to see the reworked version.
5. Me too! BLUE! Brightish royal blue, specifically.
I would also like to say that I really love your concept for this piece. You capture the feeling of what it might be like to live in that household very well. You should write more about Charlie! I like (/feel sorry for) this kid.
Am I writing too much for feedback???
I get what you're saying in regards to how the story is structured I.e. how I tell a lot instead of showing. I'm definitely thinking of just going through sentence by sentence and reworking it so it's more subtle.
DeleteOH WOW OH WOW- do you know what a shaggy dog story is? Does t matter. Because you just perfectly described a shaggy dog story as it was explained to me: As taking the reader up to a door and hinting that there's something awesome behind the door, but not letting the reader open the door. Instead, making them invent for themselves what is behind the door.
However, if it isnt done right, you can really piss off your reader. I don't yrt consider myself adept enough to do it that well, so I'm going to change it so the shagginess isn't so harsh. I guess you could say I'm going to trim the dog's coat a bit.
I just thought it was interesting that you described a shaggy dog story exactly as I define it haha.
Thanks for the feedback. I was debating whether to make it more subtle or not, so your response to it helped.
:)
ReplyDeleteWhoa. Ok. Nobody freak out. She's found us.
DeleteWhoa it's like we actually exist :D
ReplyDelete